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In the
book Chicken Soup for the Surviving Soul, cancer patient
Josh Billings was quoted:
"There ain't much fun in medicine,
but there's a heck of a lot of medicine in fun."
That's
a fact! Laughter has been proven to help healing. It took
scientists years of study to figure out what patients already
knew! Laugh and you feel better and heal faster. Simple. Fun.
Free. And it doesn't even taste bad, except for the tasteless
jokes!
The following
are some of the things that I have written and shared on-line
with my cancer friends. But I've got to warn you...in the
words of Robert Lipsyte, "Tumor
humor is not warm and friendly; it's scrappy and sometimes
nasty and tasteless, a sort of chemotherapy for the spirit
-- necessary but (not always) nice."
I hope you get a laugh out of some of this...
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Steve
Strikes Back
My husband,
Steve, is a true wise-guy. As the surgeon was explaining all
the potential scary side-effects of my upcoming thyroidectomy
to us, Steve found a way to break the tension and make me
laugh. After assuring us that he had great success with this
operation, the surgeon added solemnly,
"There is a remote possibility of damage to the vocal chords
and Megan may lose her voice." My husband piped up and said,
"Hey doc, can we talk about that? How much extra does it cost
to make her mute?" I laughed so hard I almost fell off my
chair.
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...And
He Does It Again
Then there
was the time I was being prepped for surgery. I flinched and
screamed, "OUCH!" when the nurse stuck the catheter in the
back of my hand. My husband shook his finger at me and said
in a stern voice,"You'd better not be a problem patient, Megan,
or else they'll slit your throat!" Well that cracked me up,
but you should have seen the HORROR on the nurses' faces!
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I've Seen Worse!
When I
returned home from my total thyroidectomy, I was concerned
about how my 9-year-old son would react to me. I looked horrible:
pale, hunched over in pain, with a huge bandage on my neck.
My son's eyes widened when he saw me. I could see his fear
and concern. In an attempt to comfort him, I tried to smile
and said, "I know I look awful right now and I don't look
like 'Mom', but don't worry, I'll be feeling better soon and
won't have to wear this bandage. I'm going to be OK."
He frowned and looked thoughtful but wouldn't come near me.
So I tried another tactic. "Hey", I said, "Would you like
to see my scar?" hoping that seeing the incision would remove
some of his fear. "No way!" he exclaimed. Then a second later
he bravely said, "Yeah, OK."
"It's pretty gross", I warned him. He nodded solemnly. I carefully
peeled away the tape, exposing a 6-inch, red, oozing incision.
He leaned closer and took a good look. Then he said, "That's
disgusting! But I've seen worse". Astonished, I asked, "What
do you mean 'you've seen worse'? " He said, "In the cafeteria
at school I've seen milk come out a guy's nose", and
calmly walked away.
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From
The Mouths of Babes
I'm one
of the minority of patients who gets very ill from RAI, (which
stands for radioactive iodine, but I prefer to call it "Really
Awful Ick"). Anyway, I get nauseous for weeks, my salivary
glands along my jaws swell up so I look like a chipmunk, and
I turn a lovely shade of gray.
When I
emerged from isolation after my third RAI treatment, my sincere
and honest son took
one look at me and said, "Mom, you look like you've been
eating too much junk food!"
From the
mouths of babes...
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Announcing
the newest Barbie in the
"Barbie With a Medical Condition" Series...
HypoBarbie!
It's
a beautiful summer afternoon, and HypoBarbie is just arriving
in the kitchen after having debated with herself for hours
about whether or not she has the energy to get off the couch.
HypoBarbie is anticipating eating another plain rice cake
spread with all-natural peanut butter, while Ken and Skipper
enjoy their pepperoni pizza and chocolate milkshakes.
As she makes her way to the cupboard containing non-iodized
salt, HypoBarbie now and then gently touches her thyroidectomy
scar hidden beneath a stylish braided string necklace, a gift
from Ken after her surgery.
Perhaps the use of Ken's sweatshirt will finally warm her.
She longs for the days when she could fit into her leggings,
as she gazes down at the khaki pants Ken has lent her. She
combs her dry, thinning hair from her face and wonders why
she came into the kitchen.
(I
actually made a Hypo Barbie complete with her own couch. I
took her to the '99 ThyCa Conference and she was part of the
raffle drawing! I also made a Hypo Joe -- see below.)
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Announcing
the newest action figure in the
"Fighting Man With a Medical Condition" Series...
HypoJoe
in Radioactive Iodine Quarantine Post!
As the
merciless desert sun bakes down on our fearless fighting man,
HypoJoe shivers with hypo chills, despite his camouflaged
jacket and insulated vest.
After
ingesting radioactive iodine that morning, resulting in the
destruction of the enemy, "Thyroid Cancer", HypoJoe returned
to his bedroll. Alone in the wilderness, confined to this
quarantine outpost during his mandatory RAI isolation tour
of duty, he sleeps with his helmet upon his face, his head
on a rock, secure in the knowledge that his government is
providing the finest in medical care.
His permanently-positioned
trigger finger is too puffy to fit in his M-16. His jungle
boots have been replaced by government-issue slippers, one
size fits all. Non-iodized MRI's (Meals-Ready-To-Eat) are
stacked neatly by his canteens.
HypoJoe's
TSH of 250 brings new meaning to the fact that he is wearing
"fatigues". His pajama bottoms are unfastened - he has lost
the battle of the weight gain. A stack of "Barbie Babes" magazines,
a gift from the guys back at the base, remains untouched.
He dreams only of pepperoni pizza.
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Announcing,
the revised and updated
Thyca
Glossary!
Now containing
a staggering array of terms, both colloquial expressions and
technical terms, and MUCH MORE!
The following
are the most widely used abbreviations with their *correct*
translations, plus my own editorials (meant to be offbeat
and humorous, you guys! Most of this was written while I was
hypo, so I was pretty warped. And then Davo added to the list,
and he's hypo too. So that should tell you something about
where this is going.)
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DX
= |
means
diagnosis; it's what the doctor says: "Don't 'ax' me any questions!" |
| FNA
= |
fine needle aspiration (and there is nothing FINE about that
procedure!) |
| RAI
= |
radioactive iodine; also known as "really awful ick" |
| TT
= |
total
thyroidectomy; also known as "throat thrashing" |
| TX
= |
stands for treatment; also means "torture x-treme" |
| hypo
= |
(adjective)
refers to the hypothyroid state, which is not found on any map.
No one in their right mind would want to visit it. "I am going
hypo this month." |
| hypo
babble = |
(verb)
to make indistinct comments while in a state of hypofogdom;
nonlinear fragments of conversations resulting in perfect comprehension
by those in hypofogdom, to the total mystification of innocent
bystanders. |
| hypo
fog = |
(noun)
the cloud that permeates your mind and body when in the hypo
state. Cannot be tracked on Doppler radar so most people think
you are making it up. |
| hypofogdom
= |
(noun) a realm that is governed by a hypo-ite: "I have my own
hypofogdom to worry about." |
| hypo-ite
= |
(noun)
a person admitted to hypofogdom |
| hypohell
= |
(noun)
the unpleasant state where hypo-ites achieve a very high TSH
level, thereby enabling them to undergo Really Awful Ick treatments
or scanning: "Hope you're feeling really wretched soon and get
to HypoHell quickly." |
| hypo
typo = |
(noun)
a typographical error attributed to being in the state of hypofog;
sometimes resulting in amusement. "I typed 'calm' chowder instead
of 'clam' chowder." |
|
nuking
= |
(verb)
to receive radioactive iodine treatment: "My nuking starts as
soon as I reach HypoHell." |
| scanxiety
= |
(noun)
uneasy thoughts or fears about an upcoming scan |
| scanxiously
= |
(adverb)
worrying, distressing. "I am scanxiously awaiting the scan
results."
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So
there you have it. The wonderful world of ThyCa lingo with
a twist!
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Emoticons for Thyroidectomy Patients
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:-)=) |
A smiley
face with a thyroidectomy scar at the base of the throat |
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:-(=) |
A frowny
face with a thyroidectomy scar at the base of the throat |
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:-)=}) |
A smiley
face with a double chin and a thyroidectomy scar at the base
of the throat |
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:-(=] |
A frowny
face with a really bad thyroidectomy scar at the base of the
throat |
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:-)=)) |
A smiley
face with TWO thyroidectomy scars at the base of the throat
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